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Published in The Haven

·6 days ago

Is a No-Trade Clause to the Washington Nationals Right for You?

We should all know what Eric Hosmer knows — As a baseball fan, I was puzzled by one particular aspect of the recent blockbuster trade that sent superstar Jaun Soto from The Washington Nationals to the San Diego Padres: Early reports had then Padre first baseman Eric Homer as part of that deal, but also noted Hosmer had a…

Sports

2 min read

Is a No-Trade Clause to the Washington Nationals Right for You?
Is a No-Trade Clause to the Washington Nationals Right for You?

Published in The Haven

·Jul 5

More Quiet Desperations of a Straight Old White Guy

Kombucha? Am I supposed to know what that even is? — If I say what I really think, I’ll probably get canceled. But what if I don’t want to live on Mars? Christ. Just what we need. Another baking show. Republicans are corrupt, Democrats are incompetent, but vegans are pure evil. I was just trying to read her t-shirt and she…

Aging

2 min read

More Quiet Desperations of a Straight Old White Guy
More Quiet Desperations of a Straight Old White Guy

Published in The Haven

·Jun 30

Frequently Asked Questions About Our Fragile Democracy

Help us, Alexis de Tocqueville. You’re our Only Hope. — What is democracy? A form of government in which the citizens retain the power to determine their own self-destruction. What does democracy look like? This is what democracy looks like: it’s kind of pear shaped. It also sometimes resembles a likeness of the Virgin of Guadalupe on a grilled cheese sandwich. How does democracy work? Not so great, it turns out.

Politics

3 min read

Frequently Asked Questions About Our Fragile Democracy
Frequently Asked Questions About Our Fragile Democracy

Published in The Haven

·Jun 27

Fire Danger Today: Low to Medium

But the End of the World is Still a Sure Thing — This was never going to work. Not in a million years, or however longs it’s been. This whole human race thing was doomed from the start. We were fools to believe otherwise. We were arrogant to think we could forge a thriving, lasting, meaningful civilization. But that didn’t stop us…

Civilization

4 min read

Fire Danger Today: Low to Medium
Fire Danger Today: Low to Medium

Published in The Memoirist

·Jun 15

Kind of Sounds Like One Hand Clapping

Fifteen years of piano lessons finally pay off — I think dad volunteered to pick me up from my first school dance so he could bond with me over music and girls. ‘So, did they swing?’ He meant the band. He worked in the record business and came from a world where unimaginably talented musicians routinely made even the…

Music

7 min read

Kind of Sounds Like One Hand Clapping
Kind of Sounds Like One Hand Clapping

Published in The Haven

·Jun 6

How D-Day Almost Ruined the Annual Family Picnic

Death and coleslaw at the Normandy Arms Beach Cottages — Elise Boudoir recorded this interview with her grandmother, Marion, for a school history project in 1979. It was transcribed in the original French, translated and edited for publication. As far back as I can recall, the Boudoirs gathered every June for our family reunion at the Normandy Arms Beach Cottages…

History

4 min read

How D-Day Almost Ruined the Annual Family Picnic
How D-Day Almost Ruined the Annual Family Picnic

Published in Doctor Funny

·May 18

Wait ’Til You Hear About the Good COVID-19 Vaccine Side Effects

Reanimation makes becoming magnetized seem so worth it — Yesterday L and I were in line at Walgreens to get a COVID booster on our doctor’s recommendation. We began chatting with others in line, all wearing masks. When a maskless woman overheard most of us were there for boosters, she looked alarmed and asked what side effects we had…

Satire

3 min read

Wait ’Til You Hear About the Good COVID-19 Vaccine Side Effects
Wait ’Til You Hear About the Good COVID-19 Vaccine Side Effects

Published in Doctor Funny

·May 9

God and His Publicist Hammer Out the 10 Commandments

Thou shalt not split a pair of tens — DATE: BC TO: Baumgardner and Associates FROM: God Almighty RE: Relocation Mindy - I reread your comments this morning and agree we should formalize the existing ground rules. Can you pull something together for me to review? I’d like to shoot for around Shavuot. And let’s stick with Moses if…

Satire

3 min read

God and His Publicist Hammer Out the 10 Commandments
God and His Publicist Hammer Out the 10 Commandments

Published in The Memoirist

·May 9

In Pod We Trust

Swimming with dolphins, without a waiver — Along with an embarrassment of top-notch taco stands to choose from, one of the luxuries of living on the Southern California coast is that on almost any day you can casually spot a pod of dolphins from shore weaving through the sun sequined sea and imagine yourself gliding among them. …

Memoir

3 min read

In Pod We Trust
In Pod We Trust

Published in Doctor Funny

·May 4

Seven Essential Survival Skills in the Writer’s Tool Box

Because that’s all J.K. Rowling needs — It’s often said the difference between writers and those who just say they’re writers is that writers write. True enough. But the differences don’t stop there. Writers who write also have honed seven other critical skills distinguishing them from the pretenders. Master these and you’ll be on your way to…

Satire

3 min read

Seven Essential Survival Skills in the Writer’s Tool Box
Seven Essential Survival Skills in the Writer’s Tool Box
Freeman Scott

Freeman Scott

Unreliable narrator

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